Here’s the thing.
This post was originally going to be about the
government shutdown and the downward spiral it has set off for the American economy Roman.
Due to recent events, that post has been put on the shelf for a sunny day. Because now, I’m going to talk to you about my cloudy day. A day of seriously unfortunate events. I just have so many feelings.
Stage One: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go-Or At Least On Time.
You had one job, phone. You have preset alarms. Several of them. Alarms which allow me to optimize the amount of sleep time I get in between snoozes. Sure, you went off once. Ah yes, the first alarm. I obviously have time to sleep before you yell at me again.
And sleep I did.
My eyes slowly opened due to the light of day beaming through my window as my arms flung out into a lengthy stretch. What a lovely way to wake up- with no alarms.
No alarms. WHERE ARE MY ALARMS.
Stage 3: CUE PANIC MODE
I lean over to grab my phone before I realize it’s dead. Yeah. Dead. It was on the charger all night. NOT CHARGING. I moved around the charger and it turned on. 10:20. I have to leave by 10:30 to make it to class on time. Did I mention I have a morning routine that I must perform unless I want my entire day to just be the worst thing ever? Because I totally have a morning routine that I must perform. MUST. PERFORM. And it is totally undo-able in ten minutes. It just won’t work. It’s science.
My mind going a million miles a minute, my phone is just not cooperating. Instead, it gets a cute little routine of its own this morning:
ALCATEL turn on screen
US CELLULAR welcome screen
My home screen, only to tell me that it has 0% of its life left to live.
It continues this all on its own for the next 15 minutes. So great.
In the mean time, my mind is all:
What am I wearing
I need to wash my face
My phone is broken
I need to pick out clothes
What am I wearing
I’m so late
ANNE JUST PICK OUT CLOTHES
WHY PHONE, WHY
Stage 4: Run, Forrest, Run
Now, normally being late for class would be fine if I hadn’t missed last week to deliver my nephew. Somebody had to do it.
At this point, I’m speed walking to my 11:00 class. It’s 11:20 and I’m not even there yet. My phone charged all the way up to 9%- enough life for me to email my brother, complain about my life, and feel sorry for myself. You’d be amazed at what I can do with 9% life. Limitless.
Until that happens.
Stage 5: Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me In
And the pig replied: LOL, NOPE!
I get to class. Door is closed. Great. I try to, as quietly as humanly possible, to open the door. The handle jiggles. Nothing. Ugh, this is so embarrassing. I faintly knock on the door, in hopes that whomever is sitting by it will open it and not cause a scene. But nothing. I stand there. Dumbfounded. I glance over my should at the room directly across the hall. Good. I am not in anybody’s line of vision. So nobody is actually witnessing me looking like a complete idiot. I knock again, this time with a little more gusto. They have to have heard me. But, alas, nothing. Great. My class is in there, talking about me, probably laughing at me, and they’re not letting me in because of how late I am.
So. Not. Ideal.
Well. I gave it a valid effort. I actually took a picture of the door to show my professor that I was trying to go to class. I don’t know what that would have done. Maybe we could look back at my camera roll and he could see what time the picture was taken at? I don’t know. Shhhh. But at the time, it seemed like a good idea. I also can’t believe I actually just admitted to that.
Stage Six: Spring Awakening
I walk outside and sit on the stoop. Maybe my class went on a fieldtrip and I missed them leaving. Well this isn’t going to enhance my grade any. I tried talking to a squirrel. He sat there and listened for a minute. Then he ran away to bury his nuts. Priorities, I guess.
I begin walking.
I can’t believe nobody is in that classroom right now.
Nobody is even around.
You’re an idiot.
YOU DON’T HAVE THIS CLASS TODAY.
My phone turns back on.
I cannot believe I went through all of this trouble on account of my own stupidity. I call my brother to tell him I’m having a day. He is not as sympathetic as I need him to be.
Stage Seven: It’s Not Over Until More Bad Things Happen
I decide to go into the bookstore and treat myself to a new notebook. Yeah, it came down to that. After much deliberation, I decided on a pink one. I get to the register and set my things on the counter. I go to open my purse and it happens.
My latch on my purse is stuck. Again.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally love my red italian leather over the shoulder handbag I bought in Pisa. Super worth it. Except for when it locks and won’t let me get my things out. Which it does more often than not.
I excuse myself from the counter and walk outside of the store so as the clerks don’t see my struggling. 5 grueling minutes later, I get it to pop open. Thank God.
Perhaps it was God telling me to not spend money. But then I think: Why on earth would he tell me that? He wouldn’t. Silly Anne.
I get back to the counter and begin explaining to the clerk that I am having a day. Annnnnd cue me not being able to find my debit card. Perfect. Let’s just follow suit here. No reason to turn the day around yet. I find my credit card and swipe all $3.76 on it. “Do you need a bag?” No thanks, I’ll just carry it.
OMG Anne. You entered your debit pin on your credit card. It doesn’t work like that. Get. It. Together.
I dig through my purse for my card again, only this time when I reached in it, the side latch loosened, causing my purse to fall off of my body and onto the floor- but not before dumping out all of its content. As I scramble to pick up my life off of the bookstore floor, I find my debit card. I swipe it, enter my pin, and the cashier goes “You know what, I better just give you a bag.”
She took pity on me. Yes. Give me a back to drop my life into so that part of me might get it together today. Her face smiles, drips empathy, and says:
"Have a nice day"
Sometimes life just is so terrible, you can’t help but laugh.
And today, I laughed at myself.